How to Respond to a Disclosure of Abuse – Support Principles

Why Is It So Difficult to Talk About Sexual Abuse?

Traumatic events such as car accidents, the loss of loved ones, illness, or serious injury typically receive immediate recognition and a mobilization of support from those around the victim. In contrast, sexual abuse is a traumatic experience that is often kept secret—sometimes for years. In most cases, the abuser is someone familiar from the victim’s immediate environment and in a position of power (a parent or other relative, teacher or youth leader, spiritual authority, medical or therapeutic professional, etc.). Additionally, because the abuse is of a sexual nature, it can be particularly difficult to talk about and disclose.

Sexual abuse is often accompanied by deep shame, self-blame, and a strong fear of others’ reactions—especially victim-blaming, anger, ridicule, or denial of the abuse. The response of others plays a significant role in a survivor’s healing and recovery process; it can either support or significantly hinder their journey toward recovery.

At the same time, we understand that hearing about an incident of sexual abuse—especially from someone close to us—is not easy. The disclosure can be shocking, frightening, frustrating, and infuriating. It often stirs feelings of helplessness and a strong desire to help the survivor in any way possible, or internal conflict if there’s also a personal connection to the perpetrator, making it difficult to believe the abuse actually occurred.

Our experience shows that there are constructive ways to respond to a disclosure of sexual abuse. The guiding principles include:

• Validating the experience and acknowledging the abuse
• Understanding the survivor’s needs
  Returning a sense of control to the survivor
• Avoiding judgment
  Providing information
• Making support resources accessible

Things to Do When Someone Discloses Sexual Abuse

♥ Listen attentively – Focus fully on what the person is saying. Try to minimize interruptions or questions that break their flow, and allow space for silence.

♥ Show empathy and trust – Make it clear that you believe them and that you are very sorry to hear what happened.

♥ Validate the experience – Sexual abuse is often accompanied by doubt and confusion. If the person downplays the incident or questions its severity, reassure them that what happened was serious and unacceptable, and that their interpretation is neither exaggerated nor imagined.

♥ Normalize their response – Many survivors feel intense guilt, especially about how they reacted during the abuse. Reassure them that all reactions are legitimate and normal in an abnormal situation (especially freezing, which is very common and often causes guilt). We can’t predict how we’ll respond in real-time; people react automatically and do their best under stress.

♥ Clarify the situation and gather key information – Try to understand:

• Was this a one-time event or ongoing?
• Is the abuse still happening, or did it end in the past?
• Is the abuser someone familiar and part of the person’s daily life?
• Is there a need for medical care (injury treatment, STI prevention, pregnancy concerns)?
• Are there others who know about the abuse?

♥ Understand their needs – It’s very important to find out why the person chose to disclose now and what they would like to happen next. Tailor your support to their needs—don’t guess or make decisions for them.

♥ Provide information – Offer relevant information based on the needs they expressed (e.g., legal options, therapy, medical care). If you don’t know something, don’t guess or make it up. Seek reliable information together (rape crisis centers can help). Remember—it’s okay not to know; what matters is knowing how to ask.

♥ Return a sense of control – Sexual abuse involves a profound loss of control. As supporters, we aim to restore a sense of autonomy by presenting options and allowing the survivor to make their own decisions. If further steps are taken, they must be transparent—never act behind their back. Always inform them about how you plan to handle what they’ve shared.

♥ Acknowledge the courage it took to speak up – Disclosure is often terrifying. Let them know you recognize how hard it was to share and commend their bravery in coming forward.

♥ Identify sources of support – Who else can support them? Who will be there for them as they continue to deal with the impact of the abuse? Knowing these people can help you coordinate ongoing support.

♥ Ensure mutual understanding – As the conversation ends, make sure the person understands what will happen next and confirm again that they’re comfortable with any agreed steps.

♥ Leave the door open – Invite them to continue speaking with you whenever they need to.

 

Things to Avoid When Someone Discloses Sexual Abuse

× Avoid judgment and blame – No matter how upsetting the story is, do not blame the person for what happened, and do not judge how they reacted at the time.

× Avoid hindsight advice – Comments like “Why didn’t you do X,” “You should have done X,” or even “Why didn’t you come to me sooner?” can deepen feelings of guilt and shame, and are not helpful.

× Don’t minimize the incident – Never downplay the severity of what happened, mock it, or try to brush it off. Even if you think “it’s better not to make a big deal,” the situation is already serious, and such reactions can do more harm than good.

× Avoid putting pressure on the person – Even if you disagree with their choices, try to refrain from pressuring them. In situations where action is mandatory (e.g., legal duty to report), clearly explain your responsibility and do your best to proceed in a way that the person can accept.

× Don’t act on their behalf – Coping with sexual trauma takes time and patience. Try not to take over or act behind their back. Let them retain as much control as possible and involve them in all decisions.

× Don’t moralize or try to “teach a lesson” – The initial disclosure is a vulnerable and stressful moment. It’s not the time for “life lessons.” Attempts to moralize will only intensify guilt. If there’s something to be learned, wait until the trauma has been more fully processed and the trust between you is stronger.

Remember: You can always reach out to our support channels, either by yourself or together with the survivor, to receive help and guidance for coping with the abuse.

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